I've been there. JaRiMi has been there. The main Burr Brother has been there. And just where is that? Yup...
On the receiving end of the red-assed monkeys over at the Ministry. This admitted long post is worth the read, as it documents what is one of the most bizarre - and revealing - rum threads on the net.
Let's get right to it. "The Lash" is a new spiced rum produced by a small company. The Lash" is advertised as "... a blend of the finest West Indies rum, aged 4-years in 100% American Oak Bourbon Barrels. Infused with real spices and Bourbon Vanilla Extract sourced from Asia, India and Madagascar. the Lash Spiced Rum in amazingly smooth, perfectly balanced & full of flavor, the way a premium spiced rum should taste... The other Spiced Rums out there either use “fresh” Rum or <1-Year old Rum which they can purchase (in bulk) at 185 Proof ±."
The producer "Robert" makes much of the fact that most spiced rums are (a) made with rums of very young age (1 year or less) and use cheaper liquid flavors and caramel coloring compared to "The Lash" which uses an aged and uncolored pure rum, and is flavored with water extracted, real spice flavors. Goal: a true, premium and real spiced rum, not the usual artificial marketing concoctions. Nice. Robert's post - over at Drinkhacker - was informative and respectful.
One of the Ministry monkeys happened upon this, and - with all the usual grace and tact common over at the Ministry Main Pen - opened a thread and asked:
Whew! What vitriol about a rum which he/she or both had not yet tasted. With this dubious opener it was not long before the Preacher was driven to hold forth and set forth The Word:Monkey #1: I don't want to plunk down my hard earned cash on this if its crap. Its money I could spend on something I know is good!! It claims to be a REAL spiced rum...with some of the spices still in the bottle....goodness...do they think we are gullible?
The Preacher further challenged the age claim "...there is a lot of spiced rum that is aged > 1 Year that isn't purchased in bulk at 185 proof". But without naming any of them. Hmm. Clearly encouraged by his fearless master, the original poster piled on:Preacher:"Forgive me if I'm not overwhelmed by this sell sheet, but maybe marketing needs to take a better look at the competition and talk to production about this."
And both before tasting even one drop."I think its another marketing gimmick...like Blackheart Spiced Rum. They are both an inferior product designed by a marketing company to take more money away from uneducated rum drinkers."
Another formerly respectful, but now emboldened poster piled on, and questioned the efficacy of water extraction, and further dumped on "The Lash":
And still without a drop being tasted. At this point the Preacher - in what proved to be a vain attempt to rein in the sycophantic and slobbering hoarde, and perhaps realizing how rude this exchange might appear to the outside world - reverts to his ostensible website theme:Monkey #2: "The best small batch spiced rums I've had included spices in the actual distillation of the wort and easily beat 35% abv. Sadly not applicable to the Lash as far as I can tell. "
Oh sure.Preacher: "In all fairness to this and every other rum company, I welcome your (the Lash's) contribution to this forum, after all it is Dedicated to the Appreciation and Understanding of the Noble Spirit RUM."
At this point Monkey #2 - perhaps the most obedient - immediately falls into line, smiles sheepishly and attempts to pick out a few fleas for his host:
At this point "Flavorguy" (Robert), the actual producer of The Lash, makes his respectfuly appearance:Monkey #2: "The drinkhacker review is definitely favorable. I'm still looking forward to trying it and I honestly do hope that it's a great rum. I'd be happy with a good rum. I'm excited at the prospect of a new sippable spiced rum, whether my comments here show it or not."
Flavorguy then makes clear that the base of The Lash is a four year rum distilled in Trinidad and Tobago, pure with no added caramel. That the water extraction is done in Holland as producers elsewhere would not use this process, and that most producers prefer to use cheaper liquid flavors. And then drops what apparently is a real bombshell:Flavorguy: "To all -- I am the person who formulated The Lash and am responsible for the "flavors" in many other products out in the marketplace as well. Some large and some small. I spent 15+ years in flavor development and specialized in the liquor industry. Regardless, I wanted to clear up some confusion about The Lash..."
If this sounds like Richard Seale, you're right. I have long held that most rums - whether "spiced" or not - use similar techniques. And Flavorguy is a professional who clearly knows. Good stuff.Flavorguy (the producer): "Most producers wanted to use liquid flavors which I did not want to do. Most spiced rums use very little, if any, real spices and use liquid flavors to get the spice flavor. By law, they have to add real spices to claim it on the label, but I can assure you that I know first hand that many of these producers add a "sprinkle" to a large tank just to claim it on the label - don't get me wrong, some use more than others, but they are few and far between."
Flavorguy goes one better and states "I also know first hand (from my friends in product development at some large companies) that nobody (that I know of) uses aged Rum greater than 1-year to make their spiced rums. I do know of a few (Sailor Jerry's for example) that do use a 1-year aged Rum, but it simply is (a) not cost effective or (b) possible as supply is limited to use anything greater." And he politely challenges the mob "I am curious - can you please elaborate on what Spiced Rums (with decent distribution) are out there with aged Rums of at least 2-3 years minimum??"
Challenging the know-it-all Preacher and his clones?! Oh no Mr. Ed! This is red meat to the "...it's all good", sycophantic mob of Ministry monkeys who now go absolutely apeshit! Naturally their fearless and surprised leader, the Prophet, bats first, lifts his robe and farts a hasty truism:
Without trying to split hairs, it's obvious our good Prophet doesn't know one or for sure he'd have posted it. Instead he offers up - in his usual condescending and knowing manner - a fact without purpose:Preacher: "Without trying to split hairs (sure), since you state that you don't know of anyone that uses rum aged more than 1 year doesn't necessarily mean that no one uses rum aged more than 1 year to make their spiced rum."
Which is exactly Flavorguys's point, lol!Preacher: "You might be familiar with Captain Morgan, Cruzan 9, Seven Tiki, Foursquare from RL Seale. I'm not going to say that every drop of Captain Morgan is aged more than 2 years, but none of that rum is less than 1 year old."
The Preacher then backhands The Lash again by advising that "There are a lot of marketing companies with products that no one has heard of because it takes more than a product to market for the product to be successful." But then realizing that - ohmigod - this product might need a rep or might buy a table at a future rumfest, then throws a bone to Flavorguy and agrees to list The Lash in his exclusive database.
How do you spell b-i-z-a-r-r-e?
Now here's the fun part. Our obedient monkeys sniff the Preacher's passing wind and once again reverse course. Monkeys #1 and #2 actually get their paws on a bottle of The Lash and finally taste it, and surprise! "Overall...its not a bad Rum by ANY means...I like it!!" and "Well...you have a good Rum here."
Flavorguy - thinking that all is finally well with the Preacher and his pets - makes a fatal error. He describes a bit of his professional process in developing The Lash:
Now I must digress.Flavorguy: "As for Diplomatico - the base rum we used had the characteristics of Diplomatico (prior to us adding spices to it) and that was the "base" we wanted to start with. We did not desire to make a Spiced Rum taste like Diplomatico (although that would have been a nice trick) and we still (my partner & I) choose Diplomatico as our favorite sipping rum (hope others agree)."
In any mob of monkeys there is always a really mean one - a coward really - who holds back, watches the action develop, waits til its all safely over and then and only then, bursts forth to show his huge red ass and shake his danglers as if he'd been in it all the time. Like a baby gorilla making a false charge.
Monkey Michael.
Who rushes forth and throws a turd at Flavorguy:
This is really nasty, vile monkey shit.Monkey Michael: "You stated that the base rum from from Trinidad & Tobago (presumably from Angostura, like The Kraken, also untried), "had the characteristics of Diplomatico" before spices were added. No offense intended, but to those of us familiar with several rums from Angostura and three aged rums from Diplomatico, that claim with respect to the base rum calls either your taste perceptions or your credibility into question."
And then another...
"The name of this offering might not be in the best of taste either, unless it was intended to indicate that the beverage within "lashes" the taste buds of the drinker."
It goes without saying that Monkey Michael really has no way of what aged rum was used, who distilled it or whether it is or is not reminiscent of Diplomatico. His intrusive, crap throwing post is completely unjustified and undeserved by Flavorguy - a rum and taste professional who had been respectful and done nothing more that share his process as he experienced it. Flavorguy answers MM respectfully much as you'd do - with badly tried patience - with a four year old who just told you to ''...go fuck yourself".
Flavorguy ignores the insults and patiently explains the history of the name and how spiced rums - all of them - are not a matter of good and bad, but of personal preference:
Flavorguy is a true professional who simply won't bite. His professional courtesty and aplomb is maddening and naturally, Monkey Mikey can't stand it:Flavorguy: "We stumbled upon a Winston Churchill saying that went something like this: if you joined the Royal Navy you got Rum, Sodomy or The Lash. That is where the name came from... I have not tasted Foursquare and cannot comment on it. I am sure it is good as are most spiced rums - remember what I said previously - no good or bad, only what is an individuals preference.
Regardless, there are plenty of good distilleries out there making nice rums not just in the Caribbean but in Central & South America as well. The Lash is, in my view, a new twist on the Spiced Rum category and I hope that people enjoy it."
Apparently lil' Mikey - in typical four year old fashion - believes that if you simply yell louder and louder, and say the same things over and over that they all become true. Actually what it gets most four year olds is no dinner or dessert, a brisk swat across the ass and straight to bed. But the real question is...Mikey: "Flavorguy, it is impossible for me to credit your rum tasting expertise in the light of your statements with respect to the Angostura and Diplomatico products. You are asking us to "trust" your experience, without any specific citations, and engage in vagaries and homilies instead of providing much in the way of concrete information to support your contention that your rum betters the competition.
Why comment on the quality of an untasted product (Foursquare) All you accomplish is to undermine your already thin credibility.
The questionable taste displayed in naming this product is enough to prevent me from purchasing any (niche marketing perhaps). Offering salesmanship instead of responsive replies does nothing to discourage the impression given by the naming."
Will the Prophet stand for this? Will he stand by his website theme?
Truth is that the Prophet and his rum dazed, "it's all good" sycophants are really a closed society. Burr, JaRiMi and yours truly - among others similarly chastised and chased out - know exactly what poor Flavorguy has experienced. He now understands that respectful and informative, but even slightly challenging dialogue are wasted on this small minded group of rum biz blowhards.
But am I right? Will the Preacher maintain order? Stay tuned. And before I forget, just why do the Ministry Monkeys have red asses? Normally, the swollen red asses of baboons and some monkeys is attributed to either being in heat or occasionally as padding for sitting.
Certainly either of these can be argued.
Like all really good sycophants it is certainly possible that the ministry monkeys are competing for sexual attention from the alpha monkey, in this case the Preacher. It is equally possible that they spend so much time on their asses typing e-turds to throw that hot red asses are the inevitable result. But the real answer may be simple.
They have been thoroughly Lashed.
