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Special Announcement! The Rum Project is proud to post the very first rum review of Ron de Jeremy (here)!!!
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Ron de Jeremy Porn Star Rum has created one of the most interesting net rum reactions I've ever seen, or could have even imagined.
Keep in mind this rum isn't even available yet, but the company - One Eyed Spirits(!) - has done it's best to create a viral campaign to create buzz and interest. The rum - if it is ever produced - will be available in numbered bottles sold only to those who "sign up" and register at the vendor's site. There is no price, no distribution, no description, no tasting notes.
What this simply means is that neither One Eyed Spirits, nor Ron Jeremy may have much confidence in their own product. Seems like an attempt to presell a bunch, and then maybe make and order some.
Curious and curiouser.
A second point is just how One Eyed Spirits managed to be serviced by none other than the now infamous Abuelo's Don Pancho, who previously cooperated in Zaphra's fifteen minutes of fame. The boyz at Zaphra must literally be having fits. Their super-duper-intergalactic-premium rum, carefully presented as a masterpiece of distillation and originally released at $60 per copy is now affiliated with a porn star rum, as is Don Pancho! Oh no Mr. Bill! Ron Jeremy's Viagra-free stiff penis has been driven through the heart of Zaphra - the ultimate nightmare for a marketer of premium spirits, and a simultaneous marketing orgasm for the one eyed folk.
Zaphra - Pancho. Pancho - Jeremy. Zaphra - Jeremy. Porn star rum - autofellatio - One Eyed Monster - One Eyed Spirits - Zaphra 21 - Jeremy 9.75!
Oh my.
And just how and why did good Don Pancho, known only for a single named rum (Abuelo) get hooked up in this? What does this really say about him? The one eyed marketer wants us to believe "I’m sure there are many other great rum makers who could have done Ron de Jeremy for us but our paths happened to cross with Don Pancho.".
Do you believe for a microsecond that Jerry Edwards, Joy Spence or Richard Seale (true master distillers) would come withing a thousand miles of anything like this? My guess is that the tottering Don Pancho was the inevitable default choice. He had a new but unsubstantiated "reputation" (for creating some of the "world's great rums") and then somehow fell prey to the ministrations of a clever and schmoozing operator.
Ask yourself: how many rums has One Eyed Spirits ever produced? I'd guess none. Here's more questions for you:
1. Would a truly reputable distiller affiliate with such a company and such an image?
Let's consider just one example. Richard Seales has produced a large number of well known rums for reputable and established companies. I can name them for you. His only "name" rum was made for the respected Tommy Bahama lifestyle brand. Seales is a man of honor, who does not alter his high quality rums, and whose age statements are accurate. Was he even approached? I'd love to know what distillers the marketer actually pitched and how long they stayed on the phone. Any reputable distiller with half a brain cell can recognize what appears to be gag rum of debatable potential, dubious promotion and negative potential. Would you stake your hard won reputation on such a product?
2. What kind of product would a distiller create for such an empty project?
Let's accept that if nothing else Don Pancho is the master blender for Ron Abuelo, a decent but not spectacular rum. Now Zaphra wants us to believe that 21 years ago, Pancho set aside a goodly quantity of a really, really superb rum - but - then sat on it for 21 years, just waiting for the Dana boyz to appear, suffering immense angel's losses and - finally, finally! - releasing the rum to marketing acclaim right smack in the middle of a recession? And even assuming that Zaphra is a relatively legitimate product, to then squander one's alleged reputation by stooping to create an as yet non-available rum promoting a porn star?! Or is the rum promoting its creator?
It's a circle jerk.
Seriously, how much money and time would you expend to create and produce such a proposition? Would you blend a rum that is superior to your established client's Zaphra? Or better than your own primary products? And risk the nightmare that some shaggy pants reviewer might later report "...Ron de Jeremy - Wow! - it's better than Abuelo and Zaphra!! Don Pancho has done it again!!!".
Face it - if this rum really reaches retail climax - Pancho will probably run out to the dusty corners of his warehouse and quickly blend up just enough from current stock to cover his obligation. I rather doubt that it will take much, or that it will be better than the products that really pay his salary.
3. How do Dana and Abuelo feel about their Don Pancho now?
They must be horrified. Dana especially must be having fits, as noted above. And Abuelo? Will this be Don Pancho's swan song? Or is Abuelo doing so badly that any publicity and sales are welcomed? Or has Rogue Rum reached such a low that it doesn't matter? You decide.
Now let's consider the public reaction...
Most of the public reaction was appropriate with the expected double entendres - flowing freely and derisively from those who viewed it all as a big, but rapidly shrinking joke - the kind that you tell once or twice and then forget. Really, how many boring dick jokes can you tell?
The Shillery and the "...it's all good" rum promo monkeys' reactions have been well reported, and continue to repeat the Pancho chant. Having done so, it's hard (pun intended) for them to walk away from even this rum, despite the fact that the correlation works directly against the Preacher's wet dream of "Rum... the noble spirit". If it sells it's swell. But even they know they're probably never gonna get a piece. It's the One Eyed Spirits show. Their current vulturine MO seems to be to perch safely above it, mouth platitudes ("...good rum is good rum") and wait to swoop in if somehow the doo wop misses the fan and needs representation.
But one is worth revisiting, Paul the Rum Daddy:
How romantic! Paulie you pirate, that must surely be why you tried to steal one of Sue Sea's non-rum products away from her (and failed)."As an acolyte of both rum and rum history, I have to enthusiastically applaud this new product line from Senor Fernandez (who never makes a bad rum). Rum was not born of prudes and proper people; rum’s dynamic birthright is one of revolution, creativity, crime, passion, commodity speculation, skullduggery and smuggling. For every staid businessman you can document in rum’s past, there are legions more of merchant princes, pirates, artists, mobsters, Dickensian rags-to-riches characters, privateers, bootleggers, politicians, you name it. Today, we see musicians and performers who initially showed only the crudest and basest of values rise to entrepreneur status and embrace or create quality spirits. Ah, the creativity of the Americas!!!"
Earth to Rum Daddy, it's 2011! The only pirate left is Johnny Depp and he's not real either. And what "performer" will next "create a quality spirit"... Britney Spear's VSOP? These idiots don't create anything, they are simply fodder for the marketing body snatchers.
Paul, you know better. I'd rather talk about the history of Mount Gay, Appleton, Wray & Nephews or Barbancourt - all making true world class spirits for hundreds of years. When the pirates, performers and penis swingers are long gone, these true creators of quality - who were there long before them - will still remain long after (and won't be making rum for any porn stars). Trust me.
So much for rum becoming the Preacher's wet dream "noble spirit"
Let's conclude with the rum reviewers.
Whether you know it or not, we all love the idea of being the first to review a rum, any rum. The reason is simple. The distillers or producers have gone to great lengths to tease and promote a rum concurrent with its introduction. The good ones take the time to pre-schmooze especially the Big Four, but also those reviewers who have established themselves as easy and predictable (think the Frozen Wolfie). These are the guys (and one gal) who can be counted on to mostly regurgitate the company line. The Big Four know this will mean selling a table at their next "rumfest", maybe even a piece of the representation. The wannabees (or wannawolves) can be had for a bottle or two, or in the case of Ron de Jeremy, a simple BJ (free bottle job) might do it. Even relatively independent reviewers can be had.
Yup, interest is high and we believe that being first, or even early, makes us look good. You betcha. Consider my new friend Ruminsky van Drunkenburg...
R van D, like me, had great suspicions about this ridiculous product, particularly over its alleged creator, the now infamous Don Pancho, and the many "world class rums and spirits" he is alleged to have created. You know, the ones that no one can name. Ruminsky actually confronted One Eyed Spirits over at the Rum Connection. The spokeman evaded RvD's several attempts to procure some actual names, and then slapped RvD's hand for somehow impugning the great Don Pancho by simply asking. Whereupon R van D caved...
How idealistic! Whereupon the marketer publicly offered him a bottle, whereupon R van D publicly accepted it. Ruminsky, how could you!? Now let it be known I'm a big fan of RvD and his well written website, but I'm going to have to part company here. Ruminsky my friend, I believe you're dead wrong on this one."Lastly, if this rum ever crosses my path, I’ll certainly review it honestly and without reference to its makers’ reputations. Like any other premium spirit, it will stand and fall on its own merits, not that of the face in front of, or the maker behind, the label."
To pretend that the figurehead and sponsor of a rum, or its producer doesn't matter is simply wrong. The history and tradition behind a particular rum is an important part of the experience. The story of Mount Gay, Appleton and Barbancourt are worth knowing and retelling. Their history and tradition can - literally - be tasted in the product. Mount Gay has continuously produced its very fine rum since 1703. Appleton stuck with their traditional dunder, double distillation and pot stills long after its competitors moved on to cheaper processes; they still believe their Jamaican way creates a better product. They are right. Last, Barbancourt has remained in the hands of the Gardier family for over a hundred years, continuing to make a truly world class, practically handmade rum through enormous economic, environmental and political upheavals.
When we review a rum, its history and tradition matter a great deal. It's a special event. The lights are low, soft music in the background, cooling water and crackers at the ready. We discuss the history, then examine and admire the bottle. This sets the stage, and so it goes - slowly, attentively and carefully. The rum's history, tradition, methods and presentation really do count and can be tasted in the product.
But tell me, what will you imagine in the bottle of a one-off, gimmick rum named after a big-dicked porn star and produced by a relatively unknown company whose name associates slang for a penis' pee hole? Semen, or vanilla? Trying to impress your boss or lover? Forget the Appleton 30, show em the bottle and dump a load of Jeremy in their glass! Boy, will they be impressed!!
Hope your house has a revolving door.
Ruminsky, by ignoring the company, the namesake, the producer and the lies told - by ignoring the simple facts that such a product cannot possibly be anything but ordinary - by publicly accepting a bottle - you are coming perilously close to joining the promoter's "...it's all good" crowd. Listen, I can save you some time.
Wanna know what this porn star juice is gonna taste like? Pick up a bottle of Abuelo Anejo and maybe the 7year - try a 50/50 blend - and you'll be pretty close. Acceptably drinkable, but in no way threatening Pancho's 7 or 12 Year or heaven forbid, his flagship Zaphra "21" product. It's that simple.
Personally, I think way, way too much of spirit rum to bend over for a product whose likely effect will be to continue the denigration and diminishment of the proud pure spirit I have come to love and respect. Trust me, this episode would never, ever be expected to occur in the world of single malt whisky, a true noble spirit.
Bottom line:
The elephant in the room of Rogue Rum remains unlabeled additives, colorings and flavorings. It keeps getting worse as the shelves get taken over by the cheaply produced flavored and spiced categories. And as far as products like Ron de Jeremy are concerned, we're not seeing the camel's nose emerge, but rather it's, uh, tail receding.
This may be the only rum in the world, that like its namesake, can drink itself, lol... It may have to. Is it game over for Rogue Rum? Stay tuned.
