Not so for the Artic Wonder, who still plays "rum reviewer". Or "whisky reviewer", or now "spirits reviewer". Whew!
And just like in those days of yore, he seems to make it up as he goes along. The problem with the internet is that with the help of Mr. Google, any idiot can establish a website, put him or herself out as an "expert", even create one's own "method" and "awards". I know.
Like Charlie Sheen, Wolfie is the gift that keeps on giving. This time it's his "methodology" for reviewing Vodka.
Thanks to me, at least this time he didn't exhibit the chutzpah to call it "The Dykstra Method" (a disintegrative "method" which I roundly criticized and which tripped a huge email from him). In Florida when an otherwise reasonable adult loses his cookies, they can be "Baker Acted", removed in soft restraints and held for observation. In Canada they make em into reviewers.
Honestly, to me this "method" is simplistic and completely counterproductive. I'll deconstruct it and to be fair to the hairy one, I'll analyze his every howl...
No, no and no. The way any spirit - including vodka - are best reviewed is unchanging. At least for the experts - whether it's Dave Broom or F. Paul Pacult, all spirits are approached, nosed, tasted, considered and reported in exactly the same way, with the same glass and under the same conditions."Methodology for Vodka Reviews:
Tasting and reviewing Vodka must be approached quite differently than tasting and reviewing whisky or rum."
Let's not confuse how a spirit is consumed - with or without ice, chilled, or mixed with coke - with how it should be reviewed."Whereas whisky and rum are generally approached at room temperature and perhaps with a little water to open them up; Vodka is generally chilled, and one would rarely add water or ice when drinking Vodka neat."
This way of drinking vodka is mostly a modern American marketing promotion designed to romanticize and to minimize the insult of cheap and mostly tasteless American vodka (by regulation). In Russia vodka was chilled because it was so bad. Old world vodkas do not have to be produced to these numbing standards, exhibit much more flavorable profiles and are often sipped neat at room temperature. But to Wolfie marketing and tasting seem one in the same.
Chilling completely inhibits tasting and reviewing, and particularly so in the case of spirit vodka which is subtle at best. Professional tasters are adamant about tasting at room temperature, even rejecting ice in the water used for palate clearing. Chilling is also a common restaurant technique for serving inferior chardonnays, with the objective of hiding their inferior aromas and taste."My Vodka tastings will begin with a chilled vodka sample in a shot style glass which has also been chilled. Although some prefer Vodka to be chilled in the freezer overnight before tasting I prefer the temperature to be just above zero degrees Celsius. "
Amazing! Perhaps recognizing the numbing aspects of his bizarre method, he completely skips nosing and skips right to the tongue ! If he gets any aromas at all, they are surely secondary and due to the bit of warming in the mouth. What's next is even more bizarre..."My sampling sessions will begin first with a small sip allowing the Vodka to rest upon the palate before it is swallowed... I try to discern the main aroma flavours and whether there is any aftertaste associated with the drink."
He tosses one back!"Then a larger portion is taken into the mouth and swallowed without allowing it to rest on the palate (Shot style)... discerning the amount of warmth the vodka imparts onto the back of the palate and whether there is any aftertaste or burn in the throat." "
I'm speechless. Next thing you know he'll be reviewing vokda in jello shots, licked off of his wife's perfumed navel. No wonder his tasting group has such a good time! But all is not lost. When the The Frozen One (I guess I named him well) created his first-in-the-world-of-rum "Dykstra Method" (no ego here, eh?), I made much of his scoring of the "Afterburn", wondering whether we were reviewing jet fuel or rum, lol. Apparently he's trainable, for now he correctly refers to "aftertaste or burn".
Good boy!
Let me get this straight. In an apparent effort to firther hide or obliterate the spirit, he samples it with foods (!) which "...complement, but do not overwhelm the experience". Including potatoes, sausage or ham! A good, hearty fat laden Canadian meal, hopefully accompanied by a good cheap cigar. How could these possibly overwhelm the subtle vodka?"Then I sample the Vodka in conjunction with foods, fresh bread or buns, potatoes, sausage or ham. I like a variety of foods which complement, but do not overwhelm the experience."
Next to last..
Actually the American "ritual" includes doing enough "shots" to get stinking drunk, with ever less perceptions of anything. But Wolfie is one paw ahead of us on this one too, lol..."I always invite a few guests to enjoy the experience with me and in particular I try to have guests who are familiar with the rituals of this spirit."
Hopefully in his bedroom, so when the ritual ends no walking is necessary. And now - thank god - last is..."I will revisit the Vodka on my own in my private tasting room for more tastings just to make sure my review is accurate and consistent."
Test: why is vodka (particularly American) used in mixed drinks?"Because Vodka is such an important ingredient in cocktails I also place a significant weight in my review in the performance of the Vodka in cocktails, and for each review I will construct at least one cocktail and assess the performance of the spirit in that form."
C'mon, you know - it's because vodka is relatively tasteless. Or at the least so very subtle as to be highly unlikely to affect the taste of the drink. But plenty enough to get a good howling buzz. Reviewing a vodka by its performance in a mixed drink is, well, like judging it with sausage and ham. Or with green eggs and ham.
This is simply beyond ridiculous. The Artic Malemute has seemingly taken every possible step that would numb, obliterate, overpower and hide the aromas and tastes of the spirit he portends to examine. But it gets worse. Much worse...
His Scoring:
Unbelievable. I'm surprised he didn't set up categories for "In the Bedroom" or "At the Urinal". What's the real finish like? Ha! Is there a full moon? But without further ado..."The First Impression (10 pts)
* This is essentially a score for presentation and packaging. In my opinion the presentation for Vodka is much more important than it is for other spirits. Because the nuances of flavour are much lighter and more difficult to discern for the average consumer, the bottle presentation must be discussed here.
The First Sip (20 pts)
* That initial sip when the Vodka first coats the tongue and fleeting flavours are recognized. The aroma of the spirit may be recognized here as well the texture and the mouth feel of the spirit. As the Vodka is swallowed particular attention will be paid to the aftertaste and whether any burn is creeping in.
Taking a Shot (20 pts)
* This isn’t so much about flavour as it is about smoothness and warmth. The palate should be left clean with no aftertaste, and the throat may be warmed but no discomfort should ever be apparent. The palate and the throat should be coated with a creamy sort of goodness, rather than a thin alcohol burn.
Out for Dinner (20 pts)
* How does this taste with food? Is the overall experience more enjoyable with the Vodka or does it add little to the occasion. This is highly subjective and more guests with more opinions is much preferred.
Cocktails (30 pts)
* My go to cocktail for this section will be the Cosmopolitan (of course for flavoured Vodkas I will make decisions based upon the particular flavours involved). When I make my Cosmos I use fresh squeezed Lime and the best quality natural cranberry juice I can find with no additives or preservatives. I want the flavours of the juices to shine through the cocktail without any bitterness creeping in from the Vodka. I want no unpleasant aftertaste, and if the Vodka does impart a little flavour it must be in harmony with the cocktail."
1. The First Impression (10 pts) - "Because the nuances of flavour are much lighter...the presentation for Vodka is much more important than it is for other spirits.". Surely he jests. This is of course an admission that he doesn't expect to taste much (other than sausage), therefore it's the bottle that matters; thus his scoring weights it heavily.
2. The First Sip (20 pts) - "That initial sip when the Vodka first coats the tongue and fleeting flavours are recognized." Fleeting is right. No nosing, no airing, no examination. Nope, just a fleeting impression of a bit of texture and lack of "burn". Great.
3. Taking a Shot (20 pts) - "This isn’t so much about flavour as it is about smoothness and warmth. The palate should be left clean with no aftertaste, and the throat may be warmed but no discomfort should ever be apparent.". Of course. His best vodkas will be the most tasteless, lacking much finish. Next thing you know, he'll be rating the hangover. Burning on urination?
4. Out for Dinner (20 pts) - "How does this taste with food? Is the overall experience more enjoyable with the Vodka or does it add little to the occasion. This is highly subjective and more guests with more opinions is much preferred." Here's the formula: more shots + more guests' opinions + the perfume quotient of his wife's navel + sausage enhancement + repairing to the "private tasting room" - "burn" = more enjoyment = "Highly Recommended".
5. Cocktails (30 pts) - "My go to cocktail for this section will be the Cosmopolitan...I use fresh squeezed Lime and the best quality natural cranberry juice... I want the flavours of the juices to shine through the cocktail without any bitterness creeping in from the Vodka. I want no unpleasant aftertaste, and if the Vodka does impart a little flavour it must be in harmony with the cocktail."
In other words he wants to taste the juices, not the vodka. No bitterness, no unpleasant aftertaste. This of course - other than the sausage - is the citric acid test of a meticulously taste covering method designed to hide the vodka, but not the sausage. Please also note his predilection for bitterness - an offputting trait he seems to have found in over half the rums reviewed.
Summary:
I'm sorry. This "method" is nothing more than a numbing borrow from the American vodka marketing machine which has worked so hard to create a "ritual" and look. The Wolfboy - playing "vodka reviewer" - has gobbled the koolaid (with lots of vodka) and as ravenous predators are wont to do, simply regurgitated the sponsors' spew.
It is revealing that of his 100 point scale, 80 points are awarded for how it tastes with sausage, with lime and cranberry juice, with friends opining whether he likes the bottle, and following a quick shot. His "fleeting impressions" of taste, texture and "burn" earn but a mere 20 points.
God help us all, particularly our naive and trusting readers.
Bottom line:
The Arctic Wonder is proof positive of the Predator's Peter Principle, except for one thing. He's far exceeded it.
My advice: it's time to play "hide the sausage" and to fully taste and appreciate all fine spirits as the experts do: at room temperature and using the same consistent scoring and techniques. He seems to lack the palate, experience and skill to do so. Worse yet is his apparent, rare bitter-finding palate that can only be misleading for those who do not share it.
Findings of "vile" and "bitter" are all too common among such tasters.
*******
Capn's Log: There's a bright side to this. What better spirit for those poor souls cursed with a bitter palate to review than vodka, a spirit that is relatively aroma and taste free, and that is judged by the bottle, with sausage, chilled and by the shooter with friends? Bottoms up!
