Well imagine that! The imaginary "Captain" is now being "reimagined" in a pricey new national ad campaign, as dutifully reported by the well known Shillery alumnus, the illustrious Robert Burr (you know the one - he's the guy who got his free plug, offered me free passes to his Renaissance, then reneged at the event).
Like anybody cares. I didn't.
But the marketing boyz do and they run around with eternal woodies for their imaginary hollow-legged "Captain". Like the end-of-the-earth fruitcake, they too get messeges from beyond (I now puke over my keyboard).
Let's deconstruct Bobby's "exclusive interview" as he panders to the big boyz...
Do you believe this shit? I hope Burr is wearing his Captain kneepads, and as for Herbst - who no doubt has a keen Ivy League marketing degree - speaks as though "The Captain" actually exists! He doesn't speak about branding, or the Captain Morgan image. No, he speaks as though their cartoon was actually alive ("we recognized that Captain Morgan himself needed to evolve with them...". And Burr just swallows and goes with the flow.Rum Examiner: "The Captain is clearly the most colorful iconic character in the rum category and this new campaign appears to push the envelope further to cast this spirit as a choice for fun loving enthusiasts. Is Diageo making a long term commitment to this high visibility position for the Captain?"
Tom Herbst, Brand Director: "The Captain has always been core to our communication and we will continue to celebrate his unique personality. The style, spirit and mystique of Captain Morgan appeals to fans, even after 375-plus years.
However, our consumers are continually evolving and expanding their interests, so we recognized that Captain Morgan himself needed to evolve with them. The Captain is truly multi-dimensional, and we felt it was time for everyone to see a new side of him..."
Me? I'm beside myself. It's fuckin ridiculous. Let's go on (are you wearing your hipboots?)...
This is insider code at its very best/worst. Personally I'd like to re-imagine "The Captain" bending Burr over and having at it. Which is pretty much what's happening. But it gets worse as Burr and the Captain's First Mate start frothing about how they plan to engage us - the unwashed masses - whose meager existences apparently revolve around voting on American Idol, and finding ways to identify with our imaginary - I mean re-imaginary hero, The Captain.Herbst (per Burr) continues: "Our latest advertising campaign "To Life, Love and Loot" depicts a re-imagined history of real-life legendary privateer and rum brand icon, Captain Henry Morgan...
As it relates to the Captain taking center stage in our advertising efforts moving forward, if our consumers react to the spots positively – like we're thinking they will – I'm sure they'll being seeing a lot more of the Captain."
What encouraging "One Million Poses" has to do with promoting "responsible drinking" is beyond me. Actually, you'd have to be pretty wasted in the first place to participate, and risk having your leg-raised picture show up when your new employer researches your job application.Rum Examiner: "The Captain is inviting fans to participate in a photo shoot program featuring the lifting of the left leg in the Captain's classic stance. How does this effort tie into your program to encourage responsible drinking? Is there a goal set for this success and is it tied into a donation for this worthy cause?"
First Mate Herbst: "Encouraging responsible drinking is always top of mind for the Captain Morgan brand, which is one of the reasons we launched the "One Million Poses" campaign.
Our goal for the campaign is to inspire one million fans to strike the Captain's (lifted leg up) Pose and subsequently contribute one million dollars to charity."
So who's gonna mimic the Captain's imaginary lifted left leg pose? Not me. Actually the only person who could really do justice to this asinine promotion is the Artic Wolf who could not only raise his rear left leg, but also mark the Captain's territory. I can smell, er see it now.
Bottom Line
Mindless rum for mindless drinkers who love rum with their additives and faux flavors, as encouraged by their re-imagined Captain, who has evolved with the times. This time he'll be raising and firmly planting his left foot on his new Porsche Limited Edition Boxer. But you know sumpin?
We don't need no stinkin re-imaginary Captains. Not with real pirate Ron de Jeremy around. His huge dick is real, you don't have to blow him up, his women are awesome and his rum tastes a lot better...
