Barista or Briggo: Will my computer buy from yours?

Coffee, cigars and rum go togther like priests and choirboys. Indeed the brothers are known to have a tipple now and then. Oh and some rum, cigars and Belgian beer as well, lol...
Post Reply
User avatar
Capn Jimbo
Rum Evangelisti and Compleat Idiot
Posts: 3550
Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:53 pm
Location: Paradise: Fort Lauderdale of course...
Contact:

Barista or Briggo: Will my computer buy from yours?

Post by Capn Jimbo »

It's really just a brigga loada crap!


In case you had any doubts I don't like Briggo, and it doesn't have anything to do with their coffee. A quick history: years and years ago I attended a very tough, no-nonsense college who took pride in making your life a living hell for four years, but knowing that the survivors would be true and well educated professionals. Without naming the institution (pun intended) their degree and reputation were well known and respected.


Enter the coffee shop...

Needless to say, studying and coffeeshops go together like preachers and adolescent choir monkeys. The library? Too quiet. Home? Too much activity. But a good little coffee shop? Perfect, with just enough white noise, among strangers but who wouldn't bother you - and lots of top quality, handmade coffee and goodies for the caffeine and sugar necessary to complete a 300 page reading assignment.

I'm serious.

Back then the shops were independent, numerous and each had its own unique character, art, and people we now sadly call "baristas". Kinda like Walfart calling people "associates". They really mean "desperate assholes" but hope that the title makes up for the lack of real respect, decent pay and - urp - even benefits.

All missing.

Then along came Starbucks. In my neighborhood there were two wonderful neighborhood shops, both different depending on your mood. One even had an operating roaster on the premises - the aromas of freshly roasted, freshly ground and freshly brewed coffee were simply stupendous. Here's how Starbucks worked...

First, they established a shop less than a mile away. And then another on the other side. Next, they purchased the smaller of my two neighborhood shops, replacing it with their then usual facility, and now surrounded by three of the fackers, the remaining, really fine roaster, blender, grinder, brewer was strangled to death and of course, lost his considerable investment and went out of business.

A small businessman's dream and money destroyed by bigness and power. And as soon as he closed his doors, guess what? Starbucks closed their nearby facility which clearly was built for one reason - to drive him out of business. After all, they had two more less than 5 minutes away. Fackers!


So WTF is Briggo?

Almost, be patient. As you know the Starbucks trend continued with their "baristas", invented new names for coffee sizes (what ever happened to small, medium and large?), generally overroasted blends intended to create caffeine addiction (another trend, see "Red Bull"), and the appearance of personal service by their intentionally young and nubile servers, I mean baristas (note the feminine ending).

Aside: At age 59, Sue Sea applied to Charbucks and they actually chuckled in her face as they rejected her application. And this in Florida and the shop filled with senior citizens. Fackers!

Their achieved goal: capturing the market with a deluge of ubiquitous high volume, high look shops, and then to expand into food stores, et al. Other big corporations took note and wanted in, but how to compete with a huge company that basically owned the coffee shop market?


How to beat Starbucks

The first volley was for a couple of big companies to create an expensive home machine that was sort of a micro-Starbucks, with multiple settings, selections of one-cup capsules of allegedly fine coffees and most important.... ease. Now you didn't have to leave home.

Pop in the capsule, press a couple buttons to establish your choice and before you could say "Barista! Arriva!" the machine would deliver a supposed custom cup of fine coffee into your waiting cup. No muss, no fuss, no messy grinding, no nubile barista, no problem. Press button, drink what you were coffeeboarded to believe was really, really special.

To believe this you have to be an asshole, er associate. Think "Nespresso", and a billion dollar company.


Finally... BRIGGO...

On CBS Saturday Morning - today's version - it has finally happened, the ultimate corporate wet dream. Not a home machine that however easy, involves an expensive purchase and requires counterspace, but a real competitor to Starbucks. And any development that threatens Starbucks in any way gets my attention and support. I'll never forgive them for their predatory destruction of our neighborhood coffeshop and the friendly man who invested his life in it. A friend.

But I in truth have mixed emotions, and you'll see why..

Briggo is alleged to be the next best thing, and it just might be. A true techie and coffee geek has developed a completely new kiosk, and I don't mean of the Coke machine variety. No, it's long, and fairly attractive. Like Starbucks. And like Starbucks it purports to offers a special "Direct Market" blend. Just like Starbucks you can order these coffees in multiple styles, sizes, roasts, flavors and presentations. And the prices? Attractive. Wow! But even that's not the really brigga news...

It's completely automated.

You walk up to the kiosk, enter your own formula for the size and style of coffee you want, pay and voila! You can watch as a robot grinds, loads, brews and creates your caffeine fantasy, fills your cup and does everything but manipulate your penis for you. And that's not all...

Got an urge for a double latte with chocolate sprinkles?

Use Briggo's app and you can order it by 'puter or smart phone so it will be fresh, hot and ready by the time you get there. And here's the real beauty, which is actually a tragi-comedy: this Briggo deal doesn't require a single, uh, barista. Nope, the kiosk is fully unmanned, and claims to produce a better cuppa joe - exact and precise, every single time - and produced to your own exact specifications. Every fackin time.


A Corporate Wet Dream

Yup, think about it. They can promote a truly custom quality product, delivered reliably and not have to employ a single human barista. Now of course the buyer has to be employed, but let's dispense with that nasty little fact. But in truth, we can't and neither should you. You see, it's only a matter of time that your job will be automated too.

That's right: no more baristas, no more pot stillers, no more customers with real jobs, except for the very few assholes, er associates, with smarts enough to fix the machines. And even those few actual jobs will be temporary.

It's a race to the bottom - you know that, don't you? - with automated production selling ever cheaper products with ever fewer employees to the ever poorer 99.9% while the relatively miniscule 0.1% achieve unthinkable wealth and control of the associates...

Happy New Year!
Last edited by Capn Jimbo on Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:16 am, edited 2 times in total.
User avatar
Capn Jimbo
Rum Evangelisti and Compleat Idiot
Posts: 3550
Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:53 pm
Location: Paradise: Fort Lauderdale of course...
Contact:

Post by Capn Jimbo »

Feel like throwing up?


Check out this Brigg-o-shit, straight from the robot's mouth...
https://briggo.com/landing/about/#about

And as counterpoint...
http://www.treehugger.com/green-jobs/wi ... iness.html

BTW the little home mini containers - like those that contain half-and-half at diners - but now containing "fine roasted coffee" have been renamed by the marketing facks as "pods", which has led to counter commentaries about the "pod people" and this whole course of negative events. Heaven help us all, it's happening...




*******
Addenda: As some know Starbucks has already gone after the home market, and even has some kiosks in convenience stores and supermarkets. Briggo is actually after the high-end market, and wants to compete with Starbuck's coffeeshops (who they accuse of suffering barista turnover and product variability). Yet another company - called "Marleys" (yes, after Bob Marley), has a really funky kiosk aimed somewhere in the middle...

http://qz.com/134661/briggo-coffee-army ... e-know-it/
da'rum
Minor God
Posts: 957
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2012 7:09 pm

Post by da'rum »

Our world gets more Orwellian every day.
in goes your eye out
Post Reply