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Rum Review: Ron de Jeremy Rum! First on the net!!

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How do you rate Ron de Jeremy?
Rate it? I can't even get it!
 33%  [ 1 ]
Great rum for ordinary guys with short dicks.
 0%  [ 0 ]
I can't wait to go and get it so I can come and get it.
 0%  [ 0 ]
A rum by Ron Jeremy? I'm widdit bro!!
 0%  [ 0 ]
I'll bet this rum will loosen my back.
 0%  [ 0 ]
A noble effort by a real rogue.
 0%  [ 0 ]
Does it come in a paper bag?
 66%  [ 2 ]
Rum's greatest moment.
 0%  [ 0 ]
Who's Ron Jeremy?
 0%  [ 0 ]
Total Votes : 3

Author Message
Capn Jimbo
Rum Evangelisti and Compleat Idiot

Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 3499
Location: Paradise: Fort Lauderdale of course...

PostPosted: Thu Jan 06, 2011 5:21 am    Post subject: Rum Review: Ron de Jeremy Rum! First on the net!! Reply with quote

Note: How do you spell "satire"? How bout R-o-n d-e J-e-r-e-m-y! Here's the very first-n-the-net satirical non-review of a non-rum that isn't, quite yet...

Ron de Jeremy Porn Star Rum: "It's so gooood that it drinks itself!"

I'm so very pleased to publish the very first non-review of the very non-rum associated with a very special man and performer, the amazing Ron Jeremy and his amazing new world-class rum, Ron de Jeremy! The buzz on this yet to be sold product has also been, uh, amazing so the fact that moi managed to be the very first to score this amazing interview, is well, just...

Amazing! I mean, really amazing. Really, really... oh shut up! Here goes:

Jeremy enters the room with his two female bodyguards. Both are dressed in black, baggy ninja pants and patent leather combat boots, low cut muscle shirts and with the biggest breasts I've ever seen (I get a half-woodie almost immediately)! Jeremy himself is actually rotund and has a remarkable resemblence to a well known terrorist in U.S. custody. He grins broadly, says "Jimbo, hi! And say hello to Treasure and Jasmine". Hands are shaken all around and I can't stop staring at their boobs and at Jeremy's bulge - on the left side of his baggy trousers (which fail to hide it). Jeremy reaches into his bag and proudly places a bottle of "Ron de Jeremy" on the interview table.

The interview then began..

Me: Hi Ron - Treasure - Jasmine, and welcome! And thanks for bringing a bottle of what has to be the hottest "get" in the business. Let me get some tasting glasses (I start to arise)...

Jasmine: Jimbo, no, NO you idiot! I mean, uh, not right now Jimmie. Ron wants to do the interview first. Thanks Jimbo!!

(Jasmine bends toward me - I am mezmerized and immediately smile and sit down. Treasure nods approvingly. From this point on they lean back and listen intently, but keep crossing and uncrossing their legs during the interview. Both seem to be pantyless. My eyes keep shifting - boobs, bulge, eye contact. As the professional I am I finally settle on eye contact - well - most of the time...)

Me: Sure Jasmine - Treasure, I understand, of course. Right. So Ron, before we start I want you all to know that I am a huge porn lover and honestly, I am so honored to finally meet the man attached to that amazing dick! Thanks so much for, uh, fitting me into your busy schedule. Oh, and before I start, please please forgive the double entendres that just seem to keep popping up. Damn, you see what I mean!?

Jeremy: No worries, Jimbo. Believe me it's the double entendres that will sell my rum, so entendre this (grabbing his crotch and laughing)! I've made a career being controversial, so actually I'm quite please to support you and your often controversial website. And it really doesn't bother me that you think the idea of a porn star rum sucks. Oops, another entendre! Ha! Entendre this! (grabs his crotch again, this time with two hands).

Me: Ron, forgive me but judging from the huge bulge in your pants I gotta ask - do you have an erection right now? Is this interview that exciting?

Jeremy: No. My dick is within a quarter-inch of ten inches, and before you ask, I'm a lefty.

Me: Ron, I just hafta say right now that one of the problems with conducting this first-ever review of your rum is that, well, it just isn't available yet. I mean, no retail price, no distribution network, no published tasting notes. But at The Rum Project we believe that you can actually taste the history and tradition in a bottle, so I believe that much can be learned of a rum from examining the producer. And you are quite the producer, eh? So please, Ron, if you can associate your history and tradition with your new rum I'm sure we can all learn a lot. Fair enough?

Jeremy: Dig it man! You bet I'm a producer. In fact, I've appeared in over 2000 fuck films, even a few legit films too in some "hop on" roles (laughing and grabbing his crotch again). I was a key interview in "Fuck: a Fuckumentory". I opened my own swing club. And my dick is famous around the world...

Me (interrupting): But how does that relate to your rum, Ron?

Jeremy: It doesn't. I have a famous big dick, isn't that enough? Chicks wanna blow me, especially cause I'm one of the few male performers who doesn't need Viagra. I'm a big backer of animal rights, especially mine (grabs crotch again), ha! So who wouldn't wanna buy my rum!? Seriously, anything my dick touches turns to gold. I'm a pirate, get it? And pirates and rum, right? And my marketing guy says my name means rum. It's obvious, man.

Me: Uh, sure. Makes sense Ron. But let's go back to the tradition thing. Some of the world's greatest rums have history and tradition going back hundreds of years. For example Appleton and the Jamaican rums pioneered the use of dunder and double distillation in pot stills. Even when column stills made production cheaper, they stuck to their guns...

Jeremy: Well, I'm sticking to this gun (pointing)! Listen, I didn't get here by being shy, though I once was. I wanted to get into legit films, but that never really happened. Actually I'm really a pretty ordinary guy who just happened to be the right dick in right place, and made a ton of money doing it! And got to fuck some amazing poontang along the way. And my tradition will be, well, that my rum is the average guy's rum. It comes in a big bottle! You can get a few laughs, get laid with it. It's not just any old world class rum.

Me: I hadn't thought of it quite that way. Ron, not to persist here, but the Jamaican tradition of aromatic dunder and pot stilling...

Jeremy: Pot!? You bet. Lots of us performers need a little help to perform. I'll never admit it, but there's nothing like the smell of a little weed, or cum for that matter. Now that's aromatical! And my rum will be too.

Me: Ron, I know you're excited (noting his growing bulge), but I really need to finish this section. So - please - hold on a minute there, and let me finish. As I was saying, the Jamaican history and tradition leads to an aromatic style due to the dunder and pot stilling. Honestly, when we buy a new Jamaican style, we're actually anticipating those aromas. But - and forgive me here - when I think of your rum and it's slogan "Coming sooooon", it makes me think of semen. Do you really intend that?

Jeremy: Well not exactly. I think what my marketing guy intended was really just a play on words. He meant that the product will be ready soon, and also wants those average guys to associate my rum with getting laid, and to think of me when they buy and drink it. But really, what's so bad about semen anyway? It can actually taste pretty good, unless maybe you ate broccoli before the scene. And when you get laid, you come right? And that's a good thing. Personally I've dumped buckets of cum in my films and trust me, it all felt great! Hey, semen is good! Semen for President!! (laughs, grabs crotch again).

Me: Well... don't you think people might want to have some actual tasting notes before they buy it? You know, like aromas of orange, vanilla or leather?

Jeremy: Oh come on. It isn't even out yet, we're just signing people up, testing the water so to speak. Give us a chance. Leather? Yeah!! I dig leather, seriously, some of my greatest scenes were fulla leather. That's my tradition, and you can bet there's gonna be some in my rum! Ouch, ouch good!

Me (laughing): Ron, you have a way with word pictures. You truly are the Clown Prince of Porn, thanks I needed that. After all life ain't that serious, right?

Jeremy: Right on Jimbo! Let's have fun. Let's come, let's come, let's drink my rum! Entrendre that, ha!

Me: I'd like to move now to your company, called One Eyed Spirits. What'sup with that?

Jeremy: Oh that's easy. Some of the best suck and fuck scenes ever were in my award winning short, "One Eyed Monster", so naming the company after my dick just made sense. Like the film we're confident that the rum will get plenty of people off. You can be sure we're gonna enter all the competitions, no matter what it costs.

Me: And you really think you'll win?

Jeremy: For sure, I said no matter what it costs. Trust me, we'll win. For one thing this just isn't any old blend. My guy tells me that Don Pancho, who loves my films by the way, is gonna create another of his world class rums, just like Zaphra and a bunch of others...

Me (interrupting): what world class rums? Can you name them?

Jeremy: Hey, do I look like a historian? Ask my marketing guy, I'm sure he knows. He says all the big promoters know about his world class rums. Pancho's number one, and everyone knows that. Actually the only problem I had in the whole deal was the name. My guy went for Ron de Jeremy, which I like of course, but I thought "Ron de Jeremy 9.75" woulda been much better. And I thought a really nifty slogan would be "...The rum that's soooo good it wants to drink itself!". Now that's a slogan!

Me: Uh, I'm not sure I get those...

Jeremy: Easy. My dick is 9.75 inches, who cares about the age of the rum anyway? And I'm one of the few performers who can actually blow himself. It's called autofellatio! I did it twice in "Inside Seka", you can rent it. Hey, and if you think an everyday blow job is great, wait til you wrap your lips around your own dick - it's mindblowing! Listen, go down on yourself once and you'll never hire a hooker again. It's that good, every guy's dream. Yours too I bet.

Me: Well, uh, um, er, ooo... OK, I gotta admit I tried, but I've got a bad back so I could never get closer than 4 inches to touchdown. So near...

Jeremy: I guess that's why I have a rum and you don't, right Jimbo?

Me: That's about it Ron. But we all still can watch your regular-guy-with-a-big-dick films and dream. But let me close with this. All kidding aside, did you ever consider that your rum is bad for the industry's image? I'm thinking of single malt whiskys which are noted for their long history of quality, purity and honesty, and their absence of unlabeled additives or flavorings. Single malts are truly noble, but as for rogue rum, well yours doesn't seem to help. Your rum seems to make a mockery of rum....

Jeremy: Jimbo, and I really do like you, but you don't have a clue. It's just rum buddy, who gives a fuck? Who cares whats really in it? Just toss a few down, maybe with coke, and get a good buzz, maybe get laid. But I do want to set a good example and remind my fans to drink Ron de Jeremy responsibly. Drink too much and you may get busted, worse yet you may lose your hard on and that'd be a real tragedy! Oh, and please be sure to check with your doctor before you try to blow yourself.

Me (finishing): Great Ron, that's wise advice. Thank you so much for, er, coming and sharing - any final words for our readers?

Jeremy: You bet, and thank you Jimbo (handing me a DVD signed "Suck, Fuck and Be Happy... Ron!"). I know Ron de Jeremy isn't available yet, and we're not sure of the price, or how it'll taste, but I can tell you it's gonna be big! Really big! This big!! (grabbing his crotch and humping his hand). And remember, this rum is sooooo good you better move fast and sign up before it drinks itself! And then I can't sell any, ha! Semen for President!!!

Jeremy then jumped up, shook my hand and limped away, favoring his right leg. Jasmine grabbed the bottle of Jeremy, which was never opened, Treasure smiles and looks on approvingly. I spot a big wet spot about halfway down Jeremy's left pant leg. As they leave I am speechness, smiling stupidly and nodding, and grabbing my last eye shots: boobs, bulge, spot, boobs, bulge spot. Boobs! My final visual was of Jasmine's swaying butt - no panty lines (I knew it!), with the bottle of Ron de Jeremy swinging by her side, clamped firmly by the neck with her long, thin fingers and French manicured nails (featuring tiny but discernible penises). I then ran to the bathroom and washed my hands repeatedly.

Personally, I was exhausted but honored that I'd managed to stick it out. Damn, I mean persist. The good news: I have an appointment with my orthopedist this week...


Ron Jeremy is perhaps one of the famous and prolific male porn stars and has appeared in over 2000 films. Nicknamed the "Hedgehog" for his hairy back and now protruding tummy, he is revered by his co-stars who love his humor, his big dick and the fact that - unlike most other male performers - he doesn't need Viagra. They believe he really wants to fuck them, and he does. He has fucked all the hot porn stars including my favorites, Annie Sprinkle and the Ivory Soap gal. What a man!

His penis is 9.75 inches and relatively thick compared to your diminuative weenie. Jeremy is really a renaissance man, who in addition to coming - frequently - on camera, produces and directs adult films, owns a swing club. Perhaps his most famous talent is his rare ability to blow himself - autofellatio - a skill recorded for posterity in the inestimable "Inside Seka". Still, Jeremy claims that he is totally straight, and did not swallow.

Regarding Ron de Jeremy, his marketing company "One Eyed Spirits" is a clever take off on one of Ron's most rented movies, "One Eyed Monster". That One Eyed Spirits was able to gain the skills of Don Pancho - a master distiller responsible for a long list of unnamed world class rums and spirits - is nothing short of amazing. As Jeremy joked on his way out the door: "Later, Jimbo! Hey, and when it comes to my Jeremy juice, Pancho, or the promoters, who's fucking who? I'm laughing all the way to the bank! Semen for President, bro!!".

My hero? Oh, come now...

A final note...

To my many idiot fans: this non-review was, of course, a satire. You have no idea how challenging it is to actually review a non-rum, that you can't yet buy, that isn't being yet distributed, has no known price and or even tasting notes. Yet because of the orgasmic furor surrounding it, I bent over frontwards to review it! A non-rum, like any other rum, deserves a good review, in this case, a non-review. A review you can non-count on!

Another first for The Rum Project.

Actually, considering the sad state of rum - unlabeled additives and flavoring, the current takeover of prime shelf space by labeled "flavored/spiced rums" (typically made with liquid "flavors" and cheap young rums - but priced dearly and profitably), and the emergence of non-reviewers north of the border, well maybe - just maybe - Ron de Jeremy is actually the right rum - the right dick - in the right place - at the right time.

It may just be the perfect representative for Rogue Rum. Bottoms, uh, up!


Note: this "review" was chosen to grace the opening page at Ron de Jeremy's website. Nice, eh? And The Rum Project was one of the first to actually get a pre-release bottle and to review it. The actual review is (here).

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