Awards: Frozen Wolfie creates new categories!

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Capn Jimbo
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Awards: Frozen Wolfie creates new categories!

Post by Capn Jimbo »

And there he goes again: Artic Wolf declares first "Awards"

Well, he's done it again. In little more than a year the Wolfman has published going on 400 reviews and recipes, and all this from a guy who wants us to believe its simply a labor of love. It all started when he showed up at the Preacher's joint and quickly became one-a-da-boyz - the slurping sycophants gathered at the "...it's all good" corral. Meanwhile he was pumping out reviews like Wham-O churned out Hula Hoops, traveling to Miami to act as one of Burr's XP ("exspurt") judges, and announcing his first "Talk Like a Pirate Rumfest" (cancelled).

Labor of, uh, love?. Sure. I'm in awe!

Before he'd even tasted much rum, he'd already developed and published his world famous "Dykstra Method", and proceeded to post a number of simplistic reviews (this was before he his vocabulary took an amazing leap - like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman). Worse yet, an analysis of his reviews and other posting revealed that The Frozen One - aka Wolfie aka Wolfman - preferred sweet and syrupy altered rums over known classics like MGXO or Appleton Extra. His palate was so unusual that he reviled bagged lettuce as "vile", and actually reported negative "bitterness" in most of the rums he reviewed. But in the wacky world of rum...

Nobody really cared.

After all, the website metasticizes like a small cell lung cancer, yet looks professional. A fast study, he's learned from at least two of the Big Four, the Preacher and the Burr Brothers, and has come to play the role of "expert" with wolflike ease. Like a rum vampire changling under a full moon, making a huge leap to reveal...

His flashing teeth and now his first, rum-dripping "Awards for Excellence". What a - man or wolf! You decide.

Other than the fact that he really doesn't know his rum, reviews them with his disintegrating "Dykstra Method" and finds most of them bitter, these "awards" are not all bad. Let's give em a run through...

1. Categories:

Like the Big Four, Wolfie believes rums should compete by color and age. This is rather traditional and seems based on the fact that "white" rums are considered cheap or cheaper mixers, "gold" assumes some "younger" aged rums, "dark" means dark-by-any-method (usually massive amounts of spirit caramel) rum, "aged" with the notion that the older rums are better and finally "premium", "super-premium" and "intergalactically premium".

None of which mean much of anything.

The idea that new or really young rums are banished forever to mixed drinks is almost perverted. Trader Vic and Beachcomber Don proved that the better the rum, the better the mixer. And color in rum is bullshit, er caramel anyway. White rums are white because they are filtered and almost all the others are phonied up with spirit or even baking caramel to achieve the desired color. Young rums are tweaked to appear old and complex, but they are not. And "premium" in any form is simply marketing driven masturbation, gladhandingly promoted by the Circle Jerks (above).

Lest I forget, let's not forget "Best White Rum in a Daiquiri" and "Best Spiced or Flavored Rum".

The Frozen One pesists in continuing the myth that only white rums are mixers, while ignoring the fact that some notably altered and sugar laden rums are chosen to compete in pure rum categories. However, it's only fair to note that Canadians love Canadian Whisky - the Spam of Spirits - which are nothing but mystery blends of near neutral spirits with other whiskies (rye, corn, wheat, barley), caramel, and any number of flavorings including wine (up to 10%)! No wonder our furry friend isn't bothered by unenforced distinctions such as spiced or flavored. Which I guess is why he includes black and navy rums in the Spiced category because "...they appear to my palate to be essentially the same as flavoured rums". I'm flabbergasted! Wolfie then attempted to further distinguish himself from his Big Four brethren...

He created entirely new, but equally meaningless categories by region of origin.

A real first, and a challenging task to boot when he contemplated a rum that is distilled in one country, but aged and bottled in another? No matter, the Furry One can force any shaped peg into any shaped hole. He's Canadian, he'll decide and that will be that. Don't get me wrong, I admire stubbornness in any form - after all, it's how I managed to talk my mother into breaking my father's orders. Pressed hard, she'd let me mow the lawn or clean my room - later.

2. Regions of Origin:

It could have been worse. Wolfie could have compared, say, rums from British or French protectorates. Instead he created some brand new rum award categories: Best Central American, South American, Caribbean Island and even Best Non-Caribbean/South American rums. Whew! This reminds me of a famous interchange I had with the Badassitor of Rum over the definition of the Caribbean (linked here). In this fascinating exchange it was shown that the Caribbean countries are those that surround and define the Caribbean Sea. This is simple and accepted geography and is recognized by numerous regional entities (eg the ACR - Assoc. of Caribbean States, et al). Not that it matters anyway, since country of origin is close to the worst way to distinguish rums, second only to color and age. But let's pretend geography really matters and have some fun...

Like the Badassitor, the Fuzzy One has got it all mixed up. First, let's consider the most common definition of "Caribbean":

"Caribbean: Of or relating to the Caribbean Sea, its islands, or its Central or South American coasts or to the peoples or cultures of this region". This definition is accepted by the ACR, CARICOM (the former Caribbean Free Trade Association) and others - the Caribbean countries include Venezuela, Columbia and Guyana - all bordering and defining the Caribbean. Columbia even names it's northern coast and near shore islands as its "Caribbean Region". Likewise, Venezuela has island/states completely within the sea. Likewise, Mexico and most of the countries of Central America are considered Caribbean. Many of the rums from these areas are labeled or promoted as "Caribbean". No surprise, but no matter to The Frozen One.

He has decided. For example, Columbia's fine Ron Santero - which even labels its rums as "Caribbean" - may not compete with other Caribbean rums from some of the islands. Nope, it competes in the Wolf's South American category. Even his "Caribbean Island" category is suspect as Barbados' Mount Gay is actually in the Atlantic, completely outside the Caribbean Sea.

Not that it matters anyway. The truth is that almost all of Wolfie's rums are Caribbean regardless of where he believes they belong.

Rums, like good single malts, really differ by style: Barbadian style, Jamaican style, Demeraran style, Cane Juice and Cuban styles. You can find Jamaican style rums made in Jamaica, the United States and Guyana. You can find Cuban styles rums made in Cuba, and the Dominican Republic. Bottom line: neither countries or invented "regions" - geography - define style and/or taste, and it is style and taste that should determine categories.

Otherwise you end up comparing a light and peppery Cuban style rum (like Rum San Pablo) with a heavy and aromatic Jamaican style (like Appleton Extra or Sea Wynde). Or Wolfie's lone dark rum winning over a coffee flavored rum because, well, just because. If one "wins" it's not because the loser was bad - it simply expresses the stylistic preferences of the judges. Or in what category The Frozen one decided to place it.

Which is exactly what happened.

One funny note: it was a real hoot reading Wolfie's agonizing tribulations when trying to assign a Panamanian rum into a category. Panama is in Central America, but is clearly Caribbean as well (and belongs to the Assoc. of Caribbean States). Oh my! What to do? But then he discovered an out. The rum is distilled in Panama, but finished and bottled on the Isle of Man, near Scotland! Aha!! Not in South America, not in Central America and not a Caribbean Island! Relief is sweet! It's now in the, uh, his "Non Caribbean/South American" Rum category - because of where it's bottled. Never you mind the rum was distilled and aged for 10 years in Panama. Truth be told, his winning rum is distilled on Panama's southern peninsula that borders not the Caribbean, but the Pacific Ocean. Perhaps it should be the "best Pacific rum"? Competing against, say, Bundaberg?

I'm surprised he didn't have a category for "Best Rum Beginning with "B" and Featuring a Bat and produced all over the place!". It's all so silly.

3. Competing Rums:


Finally, kudos to the Wolfman! But maybe not. Apparently the Frozen One chooses the rums from his vast collection of freebies. To his credit, Wolfie lists the three finalists in each category. This is a tiny bit better than the Big Four, yet a tiny bit worse too. Better in that at least we know a few of the rums competing against the "winner". The Big Four tend to award three rums - a "Gold", "Silver" and a "Bronze". Wolfie awards four - a "Winner" plus three "Honorable Mentions". And a tiny bit worse because this is actually less daring, since now he won't hear from Bronze complaining about Silver. If the hairy one isn't actually spayed, he'd name ALL the rums competing in each category (but that might cut off the freebies). I advised him to also tell us more about his buddy "judges" and the actual methodology and scoring. Will he?

What a dilemma, but that's the way it is.

Now if you're non-commercial, you let the chips fall where they may. No freebies, no XP invitations, comped rooms, distiller sponsored welcomes and dinners. Nada. You'll buy your own rum and if you attend a "rum fest", you'll pay just like all the other idiots. Or Compleat Idiots. Is that really worth it?

It is if you value honesty and honor. Ask Michael Jackson...

Next: the winners...
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