Unmasked: Don Pancho of Ron de Jeremy

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Capn Jimbo
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Unmasked: Don Pancho of Ron de Jeremy

Post by Capn Jimbo »

Based on an exclusive and rare interview... Don Pancho: Unmasked!

Until the introduction of the super-mega-intergalactic-premium Zaphra 21 rum, no one had ever really heard of Francisco “Don Pancho” Fernandez. Then the marketing boyz at Dana Imports decided to make "Don Pancho" the centerpiece of their glitzy ad copy promoting Zafra "Master Reserve 21 Year Rum". Keep in mind it was the very same Dana crew that so successfully established the early reputation of Zacapa 23 as the "world's greatest rum".

They got away with it too and led the way toward altered rums as liqueur, a trend that has run its course. If I must say so myself, The Rum Project stood against the tide and published one of the first lackluster reviews of Z-23 - it was all downhill after that. These days, Z-23 is recognized for what it isn't - a fine and pure 23 year old rum. With Zaphra 21, they hoped to do it again with yet another made up "Zee" name, another story, another batch of overhyped copy and reliance on a new sales tool...

Don Pancho! Slashing Z's across your neighborhood screens!

According to Dana the heretofore unknown Don Pancho - the creator and Master Distiller of Z-21 (patent pending) sported "an illustrious history of creating among the worlds' best rums". This line and Dana's ad copy was quickly parroted by the usual suspects in their usual cut 'n paste fashion. Let's take a moment to hear from the Big Four and their sycophantic wannabees:
Big Bad Burr: "Francisco "Pancho" Fernandez Perez, Master Distiller, has an illustrious history of creating among the worlds' best rums. His new Zafra is only new to US shores as this rum has been 21 years in the making. Actually, every rum made by Don Pancho is excellent. He is one of the world's finest masters of rum."
A direct rip - shameless.
The Rum Queen: "21 years in the making, Master Distiller Pancho Fernandez has done it again; he’s created a masterpiece. After a successful 40 year carrier (sp), during the first years of this new millennium at an age where many plan to retire, he considers himself in his prime, developing some of the most rare Aged Rums and Liquors (actually developing a Panamanian coffee based liquor), and establishing a Company that its dedicated to production, aging and marketing of his own brands as well as private labels."


The Queen's MO is to paraphrase and reorder sentences, but still - shameless repetition of marketing drivel. Next, let's hear from the Prophet, the one and only Preacher of Rum:
The Preacher, version A: "Pancho has worked at the Abuelo distillery as a blender for a number of years. I first met him in New York about 10 years ago and regretted not being able to spend more time with him and learn more about what he was doing. As for connections to Cuba, Pancho grew up in Cuba and may have worked at Havana Club at some point in his career?."


And now version B:
"I don't know for sure, but this may be a case where Don Pancho, whom I've known for many years, was asked about his past achievements before his made this private label rum (Ron de Jeremy Porn Star Rum)."


Contradiction is the Preacher's middle name. It's true - he doesn't know for sure - but he'll speculate and defend a potential client anyway. And how about the Tree Stump, Forrest, man of the lower case "i's", who actually seems to be having an orgasm?!
"i will agree with Adam! Don Pancho is the man . . . behind the Ron de Jeremy.... and Don Pancho ROCKS, , so i say bring it on! i am WILLING!"
Um, OK Forrest. I'd lay off the Viagra and Red Bull. Last but not least is the up and coming Frozen Wolfie:
"In the early 1990s he worked in Panama as the Master blender for Varela Hermanos (the makers of Abuelo Rum). Finally after a successful 40 year carrier, and at an age where many plan to retire, he finally considers himself to be in his prime. His latest creation is the Zafra Master Reserve 21 Year Old Rum, which is being brought to the market by Dana Imports."


Wolfie is the complete consumer of distiller PR releases, which he considers gospel and simply repeats. At least he's honest enough to cite his almost exclusively commercial sources.

Only one of the Shillery monkeys got it right, Rummelier:
"The whole Zafra story is complete BS and this is confirmed by this latest creation (Ron de Jeremy). There is nothing 21 YO about the rum in taste or in price."


Good on him. Our Zaphra review agreed - Dana's Zapran "masterpiece" scored barely a "6". We called it the GFE (girlfriend experience) rum, named after the high priced South Beach, uh, "companions" - that cost way too much, fail to live up to expectations, finish too quickly and aren't very memorable. The kind of rum you hope your wife won't find out about.


And now the man, Don Pancho:

Please know that I am the only - I say ONLY! - resource on the net who can speak with true authority on this matter, and don't you forget it! Here's the real story, based not on distiller hype, but on the only known published interview with Don Pancho - which I have carefully paraphrased to prevent the shills from yet again stealing my material without crediting me, lol:

1. Don Pancho is quite real and is reputed to be well into seventy, fi not early eighty years. He is alleged to have trained in Castro's Cuba under "Master of Masters" Don Ramon Fernandez Corrales (Carta Blanca). Yet Pancho has never been credited to any named Cuban rum.

2. He later became a director in the Cuban beverage industry and "assisted" in the training of master blenders for distillers in Poland, the Soviet Union, the UK, Canada and Madagascar. And again, he escapes credit for any rums from these non-Caribbean countries.

A bridesmaid, but never a bride.

3. It was not until 1990 that Don Pancho finally became a master blender (not distiller), of a lone named rum - Abuelo - an altered, competent, hard to find rum, nice but hardly world class. Abuelo was the sole rum to which this gentleman was attached until 2009 - when his name appeared with the frenzied introduction of Z-21, and just now with the erection of Ron de Jeremy Porn Star Rum.

As far as being the "creator" of a string of "world class aged rums and spirits", well, it just ain't so Joe. Rums that none of the boyz and girlz seem to be able to actually name.

Not amazingly, the usual suspects have little problem in continuing to promote this ridiculous myth, culminating in their being completely cornholed by the Ron de Jeremy fiasco. They now proceed with forced smiles and unusually stiff struts (it's hard to walk normally with a stick up there). Hey, it's their job! Bend over, people. Ron de Jeremy wants you too!

My take is a bit different: Don Pancho was really quite a dedicated gentleman, skilled but with limited porfolio, who mistakenly cooperated in this mythbuilding. Actually his old interview was quite revealing and truth be told, I really kind of like the man.

Based on the interview:

Don Pancho began his career in rum with degree in biochemistry with a specialty in microbiology. He entered the Cuban beverage industry in the 1970's, and later became a director (administrator). He was grounded in classic Cuban techniques of fermentation, distillation and filtration, and the use of column stills using copper plates. He stands against the modern trend of speeding up the process using any means other than traditional wood aging. His workday is full, beginning quite early but reserving his tasting and blending until about noon (when he feels his senses are at their best). Gas chromatography and testing is used to more to confirm, rather than direct the blend, as he trusts his palate.

Good, but what I found most interesting were Don Pancho's responses regarding the use of additives.

Don Pancho admits that the use of unlabeled artificial and natural flavorings is common. He noted that aged rum is often used to mask and make relatively unaged rums palatable. He recognized the problem of altered rums, held that these modified rums cheat the consumer and should accordingly be an embarassment for the distillers. Don Pancho particularly noted the use of very young rums that are brought to market altered with additives and/or using accelerated aging techniques. He supports efforts to expose and eliminate these additives, methods and alterations.


Bottom line:

This interview is actually rather old and long preceeded Don Pancho's unfortunate affiliation with Zaphra, and especially with the ridiculous Ron de Jeremy Porn Star Rum. What caused this once proud and principled man to turn rogue is a mystery.

The elephant in the room remains the widely recognized use of unlabeled additives and flavorings.
Last edited by Capn Jimbo on Tue Jun 18, 2013 12:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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...bumperoso...

Post by Capn Jimbo »

...bumperoso...


With the new release of the incredibly overpriced Precisoa Platinum Dildo Rum, it's a perfect time to re-review the checkered history of Central Castings old man distiller and the Zee boyz fav-o-fav imagineered Don Pancho, above.

Hey, it was either him or Ron Jeremy...
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Post by Capn Jimbo »

Back in the news! Here anyway... "Don Pancho"


Let's get real. Until the Zee-boyz made Pancho famous, few had ever heard of him. But a call to Central Casting turned up this now 80+ year old who had all the right credentials - nice grey/white hair, appropriately wrinkled and wizened, and with Cuban heritage! Wow! Double wow!! Yup, "Pancho" (patent pending) had everything but a strong portfolio, but who needs a steenking portfolio - that's marketing's job. Yup, who really cares if his creator, Dana, who claimed Dan Pancho's "illustrious history of creating among the worlds' best rums" never named a one of them.

My world class research also failed to turn up anything of note.

Nope, "Don Pancho" simply burst forth as the heretofore unknown maestro ronero. With the help of alleged (by Bahama Bob) partners Carlos Esquivel and Olli Hietalahti, the now famous Pancho Perez proceeded to pump out priceless products as:

Ron de Jeremy
Origene
Yolo
Cana Brava
Panama Red
Panamonte XXV Reserva Preciosa

Interestingly, none of the above have achieved "world's best rum" status; in fact, they are rather hard to even find. Nope that was reserved for the original Zee rum, Zee-23 - a one time marketing triumph not likely to ever be repeated.


But it's not ALL bad news!

Nope, because Don Pancho now gets to be shipped to all the appropriate rum fests and rollouts - hopefully at their expense. This is a great way to end a checkered career: all expenses paid travel to rum fests, just chock full of rum, ravishing rum servers and fawning monkeys. But I kid the Paunch - it ain't his fault. Hell, I'd trade places with him anytime...
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Post by sailor22 »

You could have been talking about the "Master Distiller" for Michter's Bourbon.
No still, no warehouse, no production. Buy it, label it, make up a story and sell it. Then trot out the "Master Distiller" to tastings and whiskey events. The Michter's guy has the decency to blush and shuffle his feet when asked a direct question about current production or aging. Later on the sly he admits it's a great gig to supplement retirement income with.
Free travel and a pay check. Professional liar.
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Post by da'rum »

Nice job. Jimbo.
in goes your eye out
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Post by Capn Jimbo »

- bumperoso -


Cana Brava - yet another invented brand sourced from central castings favorite rum distiller - is fair cause to reawaken this thread. Of all the invented labels using DP for imagery, few if any had any legs (pun intended). "Cana Brava" made for a company named "86" is a super-premium priced near white that is nothing more or less than a 5-column continuous distilled based, which is tricked up with a short rest in new uncharred oak, then another year or so in well used ex-bourbon barrels, then filtered not once, but three times (carbon, standard, chill-filtered) after adding a touch of actual 6 year aged rum to provide at least a modicum of flavor...

Whew. We all know what mad demand there is for a $30+ mixing white (think Tommy Bahama Sand). A great product for well-furred monkeys, to add to their Don Pancho sourced collections.
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Post by Hassouni »

I can't speak for the other rums, but please see my response on the Caña Brava thread. Needless to say I am in no way affiliated with any of them, I just like the rum a lot.
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Post by JaRiMi »

Apparently Don Pancho has now created a series of "Origenes" "rums"...And the marketing company folks are fillign facebook with tales of the Don and his Ron...

https://www.prnewswire.com/news-release ... 38021.html
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Re: Unmasked: Don Pancho of Ron de Jeremy

Post by schlimmerdurst »

Just a few days ago, they announced their work with Ron Jeremy has been canceled, because of the accusations against him. Suddenly, the dirty image is a bit too dirty for business. 😉

The rum is now called "Hell or High Water Rum".
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Re: Unmasked: Don Pancho of Ron de Jeremy

Post by Capn Jimbo »

Great stuff my friend... such is life. Is it the same product and profile?
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